sharing from the past …
This subject has been the focus of alot of attention in my life thus far … lots of thoughts and emotion, especiallly fear and guilt. Inside me is the peaceful resolution for all the conflict I am currently experiencing. I am using this musing in written word to locate that peaceful resolution.
The current pressure is that I am in alot of debt, in the appearance and judgement of most of the society/culture in which I live. Alot of this debt is because I have extended the seemingly limitless credit that keeps coming my way to other people in my life.
I know all of that is just appearances. Who is it I owe since all is One, all is One?
Why being a question which leads astray when I’m not seeing the whole picture, I will reflect first on a larger view of money experiences in my life. Whether or not I’ve ever experienced it before, I trust, I know that I always have more than just enough and that an abundance in material supply is mine and that I can come to a place of peaceful realization of that … How to stop worrying and be friends with the material, financial aspects of life in a body on planet earth.
In my childhood my heart surgery was the cause of apparent financial hardship to my parents and guilt in me everytime they fought over money matters, which seemed frequent to me. I felt I was the cause of my mother having to go to work.
In my teen years, money seemed pretty easy. I wasn’t fascinated with fashion. I remember several games of organizing money for wishes like movies, books, records, church donations, …. I remember using a ledger book to help organize finances. If I had “not enough” feelings about money then, I don’t remember them. I wanted to go into the convent and those feelings, that decision, was made in my freshman year. I now wonder if part of my motivation was to not have to deal with money. Though that may have been there subconsciously along with not thinking well of marriage, my conscious search and goal was union and closeness with God.
When I quit college, my dad helped me get a loan to buy a brand new car. My mother has mentioned that she thought that was a mistake, perhaps because it seemed to make material possessions too easy. When I got married and moved to Germany, she took over the car and its payments.
Army living meant payday once a month. End of the month usually meant no money for awhile. I remember my husband going off on a field trip once leaving me with no money and only a huge box of spaghetti and an oversized can of fruit, both outdated army kitchen surplus given to the chaplain’s office and passed on to us. I remember not being in the least concerned about it, such was my faith in God and my understanding of the “more than many sparrows” message in the Bible.
My faith was rewarded in an unpredictable way. A friend who had no car was visited by her mom. I had a car and gas coupons, as well as a source for more gas coupons beyond the normal alotment, so I became chauffer for their travels, got to see alot of interesting places and was treated to dinner in a variety of fine restaurants as a sort of payment for my services.
My husband and I seemed to emotionally traumatize over finances alot, yet everything always seemed to work out. When we really felt trapped and deprived by our financial situation, our usual response was to go out and buy something very expensive on credit. Our house, the color television, the new player piano and a second car came into our lives as part of that type of reaction.
I am beginning to see that I am looking at surface and appearance here too much. I don’t really need to go over all this now in this way … with this type of analysis.
The truth is: I WILL ALWAYS HAVE EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND BELIEVE, NO MORE, NO LESS. What has been scaring me is my own fear of bankruptcy, losing good credit standing, letting someone else have the power to hurt me … what had been scaring me is awareness that my own thoughts like this and my emotional energy given to them is going to make them self-fulfilled prophecy. I really want to give up worrying, fear, and mentally creating poverty, lack, and loss. I want to recapture the most intense attitude of gratitude that I have ever had. I have alot to be grateful for and I don’t need to feel guilty if I want more “stuff”. I don’t know if it is in the best interests of the whole for me to have more “stuff” … or in my best interests for whatever I am here to accomplish. Am I here for my own education and happiness or to contribute in an outer way to the education and happiness of others? Yes, both. *Update – years later, while mentally struggling again with money and wanting to finish with struggling, I did work on it which concluded that I had always had enough … had shelter, food, clothes, trasnportation, at times luxury and one time every material thing I could imagine and want. There was no reason to see change in then present circumstance which adequately provided the basics. The only thing missing was enough so I could give to others and I concluded that if that were ever mine to do, then the money would come. I let go and stopped worrying
A short time later, I won a raffle and took the money instead of the prize – $20.000 – and since it was an unexpected windfall, I walked my talk and gave most of it away. I bought myself a television as I hadn’t had one for awhile and some new towels. I didn’t have a car and bought a used one soley to help out a person leaving the country and eventually (after thinking it might be for a friend who was homeless and pregnant – however she went back home to her country) felt guided to keep it as a steward and shared it often as it was a station wagon and was useful for people moving, going on journeys, and for basic transportation. I eventually donated it to charity.
My original list of what I wanted to do with the money would have taken two million dollars, not twenty thousand, so I followed the guidance I felt and gave the rest away. I think I may still have a check register that I used at the time to note where it all went.